My Mask - Me, Inside and Out

Judith Westerfield over at Creativity to the Max has facilitated workshops where the participants paint/color/collage...a mask that expresses their feelings.

A few months ago Judy sent me a mask to decorate, finally I have been feeling well enough to work on it.

As Judy suggested, I decorated the Outside, and the Inside of the mask.  The Outside shows what I show to every day people, those who don't know me well enough to know my health issues, or those I simply do not what to see the inner me.  The Inside shows how I feel about me, the things I only show with a few or keep to myself.  (If you read my other blog Picnic with Ants, you probably won't be surprised by the Inner Me, however, you may learn a little bit more about me.)

A dear friend once said, "If I had to describe you as a color, you'd be Yellow."
(Funny, it just so happens that my favorite color is Yellow!)
She explained, yellow is a happy color, full of light, life and joy.
I thought that was one of the best compliments I've ever received.
I realize now that I still try to put that Yellow Self forward.
She's the person I try to show others.
Miss Mary Sunshine.

Side view of my outer persona.

Inside, I'm much more complicated.
Below you will find close up views of my Inner Self.
You will notice many contradictory thoughts.
As I said...I'm complicated. 

For the inner part of the mask, I painted the face, then I cut out a bunch of words and some pictures from different magazines.  I then started looking through the words and just picked up the words that shouted at me.  I knew these words best described how I am feeling at the moment.  I didn't use a lot of pictures, the water running from my eye, the heart that seems to be leaking - broken, for a nose.

This was a great exercise. It helped me realize that I have very conflicting thoughts and emotions about myself, and that's OK.  I think it's normal to have these conflicts.  I'm not a machine or made with a cookie cutter, I'm a complicated woman!  I'm full of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.  Over the mouth you will see the words "I Hate You", it's not unusual for me to tell myself that, but right beside it you will find the words "Easy to Love"...Sometimes I hate myself, but I remember to love myself too.  (often I just hate the things that are happening to me, not actually me.)
The one quote I find the most comforting, is "I'm beautiful on the Inside".

What Color is your emotions?

Once again, I found myself inspired by my good friend, Judith Westerfield's blog.
Creativity to the Max, is a fun and inspirational blog, you should check out if you haven't already!

Today she talked about How to Express Your Emotions Using Colors

So I did.  Most of the time she uses paint with her groups, but it can get a bit messy when in bed, so I used my computer.
I didn't erase anything.
I just picked a brush and a color, and let loose.

This is what I came up with:

Resented are Mad,  Sad, Glad, Fear, and Disgust.


This could not have come at a better time for me.
I feel like my emotions are all a jumble.
I noticed that Anger (or Mad) resembles a person, and seems to be holding on to Sad.  But Glad is trying hard to over come it.  Fear, feels much bigger in me...but he is hiding in the corner.  Afraid.
I was surprised to find Disgust leaking into everything.

I've been in this bed for so long, I haven't even been out side for 12 days, and the day I went outside, it was to go to the hospital and come home.

I'm sure if I looked back in my journal (other blog) I could figure out the last time I had a really good day, and was able to spend some time away from the house.

I remember the day before Thanksgiving, we braved the grocery store, we needed 2 things.  I almost broke down in tears and had a complete panic attack.  I wasn't feeling bad, not with the vertigo and such like I so very often do...no this was because of my hearing.  I couldn't tell which way sounds were coming from, I kept getting in people's way and didn't know it, people kept coming up behind me and scaring me.   I was in a huge grocery store, with Stuart close by, and I felt so isolated, and overwhelmed by stimuli at the same time.
I may never go in a grocery store again.  (I know that's a bit overly dramatic, but I usually shop at the Farmer's Market or our local Co-Op, both are much smaller, and more manageable.  Even if I did cry the last time I was at the Co-Op.)

Right now, life is a bit overwhelming.  I want to be mad at someone.  I feel I'm taking it out on Stuart, and he's really trying his best.  But I need to be mad at someone..I need to get some of this anger out.
I will...but I don't think I need to let it all out at once.  If I did, well, they might describe our house as another Chernobyl. Complete Melt Down.

Thanks Judith for giving me what I needed today.
I'd love to see how other's express their feelings with color....so send me some, or show them on your blog.
You can do it, it doesn't take long, and it gives you something tangible to focus those emotions on.

Please Forgive the Lapse in Posting...and thank you Judy!!

I'm so sorry I haven't been posting lately.

I've been dealing with some major issues with the Meniere's Disease.  Vertigo nearly every day, has severely limited what I can do.  I have drawn some, worked on some things in progress, ect....but I need to scan them, and that I haven't gotten to.

I'm having Surgery on Thursday, December 1st.  This surgery will hopefully help with the vertigo.  If it doesn't stop it, it will at least hopefully slow it down quite a bit.

Judy Westerfield

Max!

I would like to thank Judy Westerfield and Max over at Creativity to the Max, for the encouragement and healing wishes, and for putting up a post featuring Mr. Notgoodenuf, you may remember him from a previous post.

Here is a link to her post.  She is the therapist who suggested this exercise, so hearing her take on Mr. Notgoodenuf, was thrilling.
http://judithwesterfield.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/mr-notgoodenuf-shows-his-face/comment-page-1/#comment-3361

I promise to post some of my recent work soon...very soon...I don't feel I've been as prolific as I was being, but I've made some strides, and some set backs, but that just shows I still have much to learn.   And I'm going to have fun doing it!!!

Hope you are all enjoying this holiday season.

AEDM 5 - Letting go of the Inner Critic

My friend Judith Westerfield has a wonderful blog called Creativity to the Max.

Judy is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Clinical Hypnosis and Guided Imagery Therapist.

She teaches workshops in Creative Therapeutic Expression.  (I wish I lived close enough to attend them!)

Luckily for us she has a page on her blog for Tutorials.  I love going to her Tutorials page and letting myself go.

Last night I worked on Funsson Lesson #1.

Getting Rid my INNERTIC (Inner + Critic = Innertic) - 

For detailed instructions please see Judith's Tutorial page....plus you'll find lot's of other creative endeavors you can work on.

First she gives you instructions on how to create your INNERTIC, then comes the therapeutic part....

This is my INNERTIC:

My Innertic, "Mr. Notgoodenuf"
With messages I have for him written all around.

When you finish drawing out your Innertic, you finish it off.  First tell it off!  Write words and phrases that you want to tell your inner critic...hurt his feelings - make him leave you alone.

Next you destroy him!  That's right, scribble all over him, tear him up, heck...feed him to a goat!  (not one of Judith's suggestions, but if I had a goat that's what I'd do.)  

Get rid of your Innertic.

If he starts coming around again...repeat this exercise.

Free yourself from your inner critic!

This post is part of Art Every Day Month and NaBloPoMo..