Starting...a little Fairy

This is supposed to be a surprise for a friend.  Actually, 2 friends, they don't know each other, each likes fairy's so they were both being thought of when I started her.  So I wasn't going to post her until I finished her and gave her to these two special people.  But she's been sitting around for a while now just waiting for me to make up my mind what to do next.

She doesn't understand that my eyes aren't quite focusing properly, and my head hurts a lot, she just wants to be beautiful and spread her loving coyness to those for whom she is intended.

So at this point, she's a gift for all of you.  She isn't finished...but she's getting there.

(To V:  I know...I said I don't draw fairies...but I love you.)

To a few artists out there, you may see this fairy and think...hey she looks like a fairy I drew, and you are probably right.  Sorry.  I looked at a LOT of fairy drawings to come up with this little lady. Unfortunately I didn't keep up with all of you.  If you notice your style hidden in her, please feel free to leave a comment and let me know.  I promise, it's meant as a compliment!!!  I did not mean to copy any work.

For Phylor and Vincent.
You will have a finished version at some point, I promise!

To My Husband

Everyday He Loves Me

He holds my hair as my world spins

leaving me a wretched mess.

He brings me food

washes my body

cares for our home

He holds me

comforts me

helps me fight my battles.

He kisses me

caresses me

loves every part of me

To him I am no burden-

He loves me.

Everyday He Loves Me.

He watches me get my hopes up-

and holds me when they fall.

The words are so nice to hear,

but so easy to say.

Every day, he shows he loves me.

How can I write a tribute to a man who has given me so much?

The words seem to lose their potency after leaving my heart.

How do I express how much I love him?

My heart swells with emotions and words that will not come forth.

This man who shows his love each and every day.

Sometimes my Caregiver,

Often my Lover,

Always my Champion,

Forever my Hero,

My Husband,

My Friend.

I love you more than words can say.

My Worlds

For the past 12 days I've been battling with vertigo on a daily basis.  (if you want details please see my other blog Picnic with Ants.)
One night while I was up with slosh head but not completely spinning, I wrote this:

image by oldmanriver  Deviant Art

I live in a different world than you.

My body tries to exist in your world.

But my brain, my inner being, 

does not belong.

Her world is constantly in motion,

ever spinning, faster and faster...

I try to stay in your world,

My inner world frightens me.

Torn in two.

Part cannot exist in this world, 

the pull from the other is so strong.

Part cannot exist in the horrors of the other.

Ever searching to become whole.

To no longer be afraid.

Ever searching to understand.

Do I belong in the world in which I feel safer?

Or am I doomed to the world of constant motion?

The spinning, spinning, constant spinning.

Never feeling solid ground beneath my feet.

Where do I belong?

Or am I ever fated to live a life with a foot in each world?

(living with Vertigo)

My Mask - Me, Inside and Out

Judith Westerfield over at Creativity to the Max has facilitated workshops where the participants paint/color/collage...a mask that expresses their feelings.

A few months ago Judy sent me a mask to decorate, finally I have been feeling well enough to work on it.

As Judy suggested, I decorated the Outside, and the Inside of the mask.  The Outside shows what I show to every day people, those who don't know me well enough to know my health issues, or those I simply do not what to see the inner me.  The Inside shows how I feel about me, the things I only show with a few or keep to myself.  (If you read my other blog Picnic with Ants, you probably won't be surprised by the Inner Me, however, you may learn a little bit more about me.)

A dear friend once said, "If I had to describe you as a color, you'd be Yellow."
(Funny, it just so happens that my favorite color is Yellow!)
She explained, yellow is a happy color, full of light, life and joy.
I thought that was one of the best compliments I've ever received.
I realize now that I still try to put that Yellow Self forward.
She's the person I try to show others.
Miss Mary Sunshine.

Side view of my outer persona.

Inside, I'm much more complicated.
Below you will find close up views of my Inner Self.
You will notice many contradictory thoughts.
As I said...I'm complicated. 

For the inner part of the mask, I painted the face, then I cut out a bunch of words and some pictures from different magazines.  I then started looking through the words and just picked up the words that shouted at me.  I knew these words best described how I am feeling at the moment.  I didn't use a lot of pictures, the water running from my eye, the heart that seems to be leaking - broken, for a nose.

This was a great exercise. It helped me realize that I have very conflicting thoughts and emotions about myself, and that's OK.  I think it's normal to have these conflicts.  I'm not a machine or made with a cookie cutter, I'm a complicated woman!  I'm full of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.  Over the mouth you will see the words "I Hate You", it's not unusual for me to tell myself that, but right beside it you will find the words "Easy to Love"...Sometimes I hate myself, but I remember to love myself too.  (often I just hate the things that are happening to me, not actually me.)
The one quote I find the most comforting, is "I'm beautiful on the Inside".