One night while I was up with slosh head but not completely spinning, I wrote this:
 |
| image by oldmanriver Deviant Art |
I live in a different world than you.
My body tries to exist in your world.
But my brain, my inner being,
does not belong.
Her world is constantly in motion,
ever spinning, faster and faster...
I try to stay in your world,
My inner world frightens me.
Torn in two.
Part cannot exist in this world,
the pull from the other is so strong.
Part cannot exist in the horrors of the other.
Ever searching to become whole.
To no longer be afraid.
Ever searching to understand.
Do I belong in the world in which I feel safer?
Or am I doomed to the world of constant motion?
The spinning, spinning, constant spinning.
Never feeling solid ground beneath my feet.
Where do I belong?
Or am I ever fated to live a life with a foot in each world?
(living with Vertigo)
What a powerful piece of writing -- you have poured your heart and your emotions into this. I sure wish that you didn't have to deal with vertigo all the time!
ReplyDeleteThank you, this means a lot coming from someone who writes so well.
DeleteI was lying there in pain, and kept trying to sleep but would start to spin, then just grabbed my notebook and started to write, this poured forth.
Luckily, I don't have vertigo all the time, but I do have disequilibrium all the time, and I have been having vertigo on a daily basis lately. And I live with the fear all the time. That's a huge thing. always the fear that it will hit at any moment, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
I'm glad it touched you.
wendy
Such an awful thing to live with but you express it so well. You are one strong woman!
ReplyDeleteThank you Rita.
Deletecoming from such a strong woman, it's nice to hear.
we do what we have to right?
I'm glad you liked what spewed forth the other night. : )
EXACTLY!
ReplyDeleteSome days I feel the doom and fear when I wake up. I wish those emotions would get a chance to rest. It's like 0-60 mph as you're waking up. Other days, it's like a subliminal message is being sent to me all day. It's the rare day when you wake up not wondering what kind of day is in store for you.
Great job.
Oh my dear Maureen.
DeleteI wish no one could understand what I mean.
Your example is spot on! As I've mentioned before...it's not just the vertigo, it's never knowing when it will hit. Living with the unknown...feeling like the mortar shell may drop at any moment.
I can say, there is never a day I wake up not wondering...well, no...if I'm already spinning, then I know. : )
I'm glad you think I did the situation justice.
Really it just exploded from me. It had to come out.
Spinning....spinning....I pray for stillness for you!
ReplyDeletestillness, quiet...even as I go deaf these are the things I know I'll probably never feel.
DeleteThe disequilibrium and vertigo, the tinnitus, they will always be around. The goal it to have more good days than bad! much less vertigo. That's all I ask for!!
Tinnitus drives some people crazy, after this many years, I think I'd go crazy without it. haha.
perhaps I'll write about that sometimes. but really sometimes it does drive me a bit bonkers.
thank you, as always.
the fact that you can understand from what I say...that means so much to me.